Handling Human Relationships

            There is a popular saying that man is a social animal.  The idea conveyed here is that a human being can never lead an isolated life style.  Human beings live together in groups, call it family, or community or society or nation. And there are varieties in relationships; long term, short term, active, passive, close (intimate), and shallow. Of these some are man-made relationships and some are God-made relationships and these relationships decide the quality of human life.  Relationships have got a significant role in determining the very quality of life. A good relationship can convert the earth into heaven and a terrible relationship can convert the earth into hell.  Of the human relationships, scriptures say that one should look upon them as a means of inner spiritual growth and not as a means of happiness.  Happiness depends upon many factors, some known and some unknown and of the known factors also some are uncontrollable making it unpredictable, fragile and fleeting. So if happiness alone is taken as the factor, human relationships also will be fragile, fleeting and unpredictable and not stable. Since the very goal of human life is inner growth, relationships promoting it will be enduring and rewarding. 

            We shall now see how the relationships can contribute to inner growth.  Firstly, human beings have a fundamental problem, the sense of isolation and loneliness born of Self-ignorance.  Minimum one stable relationship is required if a human being should enjoy reasonable sanity - not only mental health but even physical health. Though the ultimate solution for this problem is Self-knowledge, its acquisition is not easy and many have no inclination for it. A stable relationship is a temporary solution available to all, to avoid the sense of isolation and loneliness that contributes to the problems of mental health and consequent problems to the physical health as well. Even for sanyasis the sastras prescribe a relationship with Guru and Ishta Devata, Guru Ishta Devata Sambandha.

            Secondly, some of the Karmas are exhausted only through certain types of relationships and not in any other way.  As per scriptures one is born to exhaust one’s punya-papa Karma.  One has to exhaust certain Karmas, Karma Kshaya, through certain forms of relationships. If one approaches the relationship with that attitude, one is cooperating with the Lord’s law of Karma. The very cooperation with the Lord’s law of Karma is a form of inner growth because one is aligning with Dharma.  

            Thirdly one gets Titiksha through relationship.  Titiksha means tolerance.  Tattvabodha defines Titiksha as “seethoshna sukhadukhadhi sahishnuthvam (the endurance of heat and cold, pleasure and pain etc.)”.  Titiksha is that frame of mind in which one is able to accept the opposites like cold and heat, pleasure and pain with equanimity and without complaint.  This is an important spiritual value for one seeking Jivan Mukthi.  Even otherwise it is an important value required to manage old age.  Lord Krishna tells Arjuna in Bhagavad Gita (2-13,14):

matra sparsastu kaunteya sitoshna sukha dukhadah I

agamapayino’nityastamstitikshasva bharata II

yamhi na vyathayantyete purusham purusharsabha I

samadukha sukham dhiram so’mrutatva ya kalpate II

The contacts of the senses with the objects, O son of Kunti, which cause heat and cold and pleasure and pain, have a beginning and an end; they are impermanent; endure them bravely, O Arjuna! (13)

That firm man whom surely these afflict not, O chief among men, to whom pleasure and pain are the same, is fit for attaining immortality! (14)

Without Titiksha, Jivan Mukthi is not possible and also old age management. Suffering is an integral part of life because suffering also has a role in making a human being mature. Suffering can be a learning experience only for a person with Titiksha. 

            Fourthly, any good work in Sastra is called Yajna and it requires a minimum team of three or multiple of three members.  Team means human beings and human beings means healthy relationship bond is involved. Without that it will not be a team, only it will be a confused crowd. Further, when human beings, spiritual seekers especially, want to contribute something to the society, they do it as a team of people. For as a single individual, one can contribute only very little or practically nothing. 

            Thus, human relationship contributes to good health, mental and physical, Karma Kshaya, Titiksha and Yagnya Anushtanam which all together will lead to inner growth.  In this approach, human happiness that is fleeting and impermanent is secondary and human growth is the primary aim.  Therefore, the Vedic approach is one that doesn’t give importance to impermanent happiness which is born out of relationship but gives importance to inner growth that leads to inner Ananda, Athma Sukham, described as “atmaneva atmana tushtaha (satisfied in the Self by the Self) “in Bhagavad Gita (2-55)

(adapted from Swami Paramarthananda’s talk)

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